Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Let's get the cat blown out
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
