literally had 100 drinks last night.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
