some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
