So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
