she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
