Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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