i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Randomize
