Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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