Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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