By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
