U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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