It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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