News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
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So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
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I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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