My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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