I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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