dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
