How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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