My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
