Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
