I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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