You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
