I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm too high and old for this...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
