I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
