I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
