The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
