My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
