I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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