i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
