Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I think a kid would responsible me up
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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