Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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