The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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