Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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