Plan B is the new Plan A
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
