you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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