All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
