Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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