I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i came on her dog
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
