i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
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