this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
