For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I think I sprained my soul last night
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
