I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
