and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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