he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
