just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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