Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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