Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
