i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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