Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
The Olympian is in my bed
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
