Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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