So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
