Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
