good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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