my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
