areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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