On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
