the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
