So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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