I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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