why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
