1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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