either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
